Greetings, Gentle Reader. It's been awhile since last I posted. I really haven't been doing anything. I go to work, I come home, I eat dinner, I mope about, I go to bed: end of story. Lately I've felt pretty blah. I'm just stuck in the doldrums. I get out for a day or two, then I fall back. Blah. I guess part of it is just that I'm bored. When I call Jason and he's hanging out w/ people I always feel like I'm this boring clingy girlfriend who calls all the time. I know this isn't how he feels, but that doesn't really change it for me.

I'm not a jealous person. Considering that most of my friends are guys, I think nothing of someone I'm dating going and hanging out with other girls. Despite this, I have felt just the slightest twing of jealousy lately. I think it boils down to this: I'm totally okay with the fact that he goes and hangs out with his ex-girlfriend, accompanies her funerals, etc. Really, this doesn't bother me. Except that it does, although not for the reason you might think. I'm just jealous that they can still have a friendship, even though they dated for three years and were pretty serious, while Jezy would probably be happy if he never had to see me again. I think if he could, he would totally go for that whole "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" thing and just wipe me out of his memory. I want to say that I'm so over everything to do with that, but then something happens (like Jase hanging out w/ his ex) and I realize that I'm still kinda pissed. In our relationship, I totally got Faramir-ed (a phrase adopted by my cousin and I to describe someone who gets unjustifiably villianized - much like Faramir in the LoTR movies) I am not heartless! I care about people. Jezy so cultivated this aura of victimization that I began to feel like I really was a horrible person. Did I make mistakes? Yes. I should have been more sensitive to his emotions. I shouldn't have told people he went crazy the night that he caused a huge scene in the parking lot. I admit: that was wrong of me. I just got really freaked out and went on defense. I guess that is the kind of drama that comes with dating, and I have to say, it does make me question whether or not it is worth it.

Also, I think that I'm not getting enough alone time. I love my family dearly, and I always enjoy getting to come home over the summer; however, I have learned over the years that I like living on my own. I actually like being all alone in my dorm room. It's not what I want all the time, but it's what I want sometimes. It gets hard to me to think when I feel like there's always someone watching me. Am I weird? Maybe. I just need time when I'm the only one in the house so that I can recharge. I haven't really had that lately. This kind of thinking makes me worry about marriage. Can I really stand to share a bedroom with someone else for the rest of my life? I'm not sure that I can. Like Virginia Woolf said, in order for a woman to write she needs a room of her own.

So, I am bored and crowded. Hopefully I'll be able to accomplish several things that I've need to do this weekend and that will help shake it.